No matter how many days, months or years to a child. Burning can overtake at any time, and guilt and lack of support from loved ones only adds oil into the fire. Why does it arise, how it manifests itself and what to do with it?
With the birth of a child, we get a new status: parent. A feeling of happiness is attached to him, although sometimes we get tired and sacrifice something for the sake of taking care of the child. The difficulties that parents face are natural, but not everyone can always overcome them.
“To be a mother happiness!»We hear this phrase very often. I remember how many years ago I had my daughter. I loved myself, the body, a round stomach, I listened to gently and reverently to what is happening inside. Smooth, sometimes sharp, slightly painful movements, gurgling – all this caused joy and happiness that a new life appeared inside me. Very soon I will see my daughter, carefully squeeze it to my chest, will become a mother.
In anticipation of the birth of a child, we are preparing for his arrival in this world. Choose a crib and stroller, looking for a good maternity hospital and doctor. We are waiting, we want and love our child. And then the long -awaited day comes. The child was born, the mother’s happiness does not know the bounds. Fears, doubts and anxiety behind, everything is fine. Festive extract from the hospital. Relatives and friends congratulate your family on replenishment. Loving husband and newly made grandparents surround you with attention and care. And after a few days, grandparents go home, the husband goes to work, everyone has an ordinary and familiar life. Festive vanity subsides, maternal everyday life occurs.
Severe reality
History of Natalia, 26 years old. “My girl is 14 days. We live the three of us on the outskirts of Moscow. My husband works, I am one day. At times it becomes so lonely and sad for me that tears pour the river. I do not have time for anything. She constantly cries and hangs on her chest. I can’t even calmly go to the toilet. I’m tired. Sometimes it seems to me that I can’t stand it and go crazy. “.
With the onset of pregnancy, the usual life has not changed significantly. Until the birth of a child, she led an active lifestyle: she went to work, attended exhibitions, met with friends, attended seminars, trainings. But after the birth of the child, everything changed.
History of Irina, 30 years old. “I can’t understand what’s with me. Before the birth of a child, I had no health problems, but recently I have a head, my back, my body is aching. I feel broken, tired. And when the child cries, I want to plug my ears and hear nothing “.
Irina is the mother of a nine -month -old girl, on maternity leave. Always dreamed of children. She could not get pregnant for several years, but after passing the course of personal therapy, a miracle happened, the cherished dream was fulfilled. Irina – a fitness coach, and before pregnancy she spent a lot of time in the gym, SPA, traveled with her husband or friends. After pregnancy, her activity slept slightly, and after childbirth disappeared.
History of Anastasia, 33 years old. “I’m not a mother! I’m a monster! At times everything gets me so much that I can not cope with emotions and scream for children. And then, when I shut up, I see their frightened eyes and cry. A couple of days ago, when the eldest son once again arranged a tantrum, I could not reassure him. For some time I
restrained myself, but then patience burst, everything got out of control. I spanked it, and I am monstrously ashamed of it “.
Anastasia is the mother of two two boys, recently they turned two and a half years old. The economist works at home, draws up reports, maintains the documentation of two firms. The husband also works, but the family has a mortgage and funds.
Three people, each has a unique story. They are not like each other, but something unites them. They are women and mothers who have common pain – parental emotional burnout.
What does parental emotional burnout look like?
It is not customary to talk about such thoughts and sensations in society, family. There is always a risk that a woman will not understand, or even condemn, and she has no one to share with, there is no one to ask for help. She is left alone with thoughts and fatigue. The phrase “emotional burnout” implies changes in the behavior and state of a person that appear as a result of emotional exhaustion against the background of chronic stress. It is mothers who risk being in a similar state, and this is not by chance, because most often they are with the child twenty -four hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. What signs indicate emotional burnout?
- In the morning I don’t want to open my eyes, get out of bed. It is difficult to tear off the head from the pillow, and the body is heavy, like lead.
- I want to close my eyes and disappear, evaporate. To be somewhere very far, away from home, family, child.
- There is no desire to return home.
- It seems that you will never get out of this hell.
- Raishes easily arise due to children’s crying, a restless sleep of a child, scattered toys, spoiled furniture.
- I want to hide in a corner so that no one can see and touch, and sob there.
- The thought arises in my head: “How good it was then, without a child,” and this thought causes shame and contempt for itself.
- It seems that the child and the whole world are against you.
- I want to grab the child by the shoulders and shake until he calms down and shut up.
- The feeling that the nerves are stretched to the limit and are about to burst.
Why it arises?
1. Large workload.
- Household chores: cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, purchases, etc.
- Child: Caring for him, going to the clinic, visiting developing classes and sections, games, walks.
- Work: at home with a child or in the office, upon returning from which care is again expected about the child.
2. Lack of sleep.
- Frequent awakening at night: feeding, restless sleep of the baby.
- Early awakening: the child got enough sleep, but you are not.
- Late retreat to sleep: there are many things that you simply do not physically have time to finish at a “normal” time.
3. The inability to relax.
- The ban on pleasure: “I am a mother, a child first of all”.
- Ignorance of a practical tool: art therapy techniques, meditation, creativity.
- Lack of “correct” physical activity: sport, yoga, dancing.
This is a special form of emotional burnout. Parenthood is not a temporary phenomenon. The child is not a job. You can’t quit, take a vacation, find a more convenient, comfortable, suitable in all parameters of the child. Therefore, it is very important, taking care of the child, to show care and about himself.
How to deal with it?
1. Prepare the space. Waiting for the birth of a child, think in advance where he will sleep and play where you put a crib, a swaddling table. Space should be convenient and functional, and first of all for you. It is not necessary to prepare a separate room for the newborn – if you plan to sleep with the child, then it will be inconvenient to run into another room behind his things. If the child has already been born and you do not like how the space in the house is organized, then it’s never too late to fix it and do it as it will be comfortable for you.
2. Do not give up things that make life easier. We are talking about devices that facilitate functional care of the child: carrying, sun loungers, car seats, walkers, radio, musical mobiles, etc.D.
3. Put the path of stroller walks in advance in advance. Go and look: where will you walk, what is the road there, how often they clean the snow, is there a bench, what infrastructure? This will help to choose not only a fashionable stroller, but also with those wheels that are suitable for the soil on your path. If you live in a house without an elevator, pay attention to the weight of the stroller. The presence of a bench will rest, and shops or pharmacy will save time for the purchase of goods.
4. Prepare a “temporary” field. Together with your husband, discuss what functions each of you will have after the birth of the baby. Life mechanization can completely switch to a child’s dad. Consider night watch, the need to hire a nanny or household assistant. Think about your life. For example: a husband can take up shopping, or you can choose a store where there is a “home delivery” service, or purchase products not for a day, but for one or two weeks. This will save time and effort. Study and test quick cooking dishes, make a “fast menu”.
5. Make sure that your female “I” does not disappear. Complete immersion in a child is needed only for the first 40 days. Next is the setup for separation. The opinion that the mother should do everything herself is erroneous. Washing, ironing, washing the sexes is not related to motherhood. Parenthood is directly related to the child. Decree leave is a vacation for child care, and not a vacation to care for the cleanliness of the walls.
6. Let yourself relax. When the child is sleeping, relax. Arrange for yourself a “mother hour” once a day, and over time – “Mama day” once a week. Use this time only for yourself: a meeting with you, a walk, a meeting with a friend, yoga, spa. Allow yourself daily little joys. Do not spare funds for yourself, your health, condition. If you feel good, satisfied with yourself, smiling at the child, then all the expenses are a contribution to the child, to joint happiness.
The principle works here: the mother is calm – the child is calm. It doesn’t matter how many months or years to a child. Remember the instructions about the oxygen mask? First put the mask on yourself, only then on the child. All people are different. Each has its own story, circumstances, opportunities. There is no only solution for everyone. Build your child into your life, establish life. Try, try on yourself, adapt to yourself, consider all possible options, and then you will succeed.